So, usually the posts are pretty upbeat here..well today..it's not going to be. I am sad. I am down. This post will be vague b/c I have given this blog info out to some friends and family and I don't want to go into details. It's my own fault. It's another thing that I'd like to change about myself. At almost 40,I wish I could be stronger in this area. I have a few TOXIC relationships in my life. Relationships where you give and you give and you are always there and then when you need something , they aren't. I feel very low priority. I feel everything else comes first. I feel not valued. And the part that sucks is that I keep going back for more...and also..I know I have great value. I sort of feel like it's an addiction...like just one more time and then I will be done.I tell myself I will stand up and say I am better than this or I am done or I deserve better...but I get sucked back in. I just keep allowing myself to put these "toxics" first and myself and the good people lower. Basically, taken advantage of.
I know that was vague and mysterious..and I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more good people that outweigh the "TOXICS"..but the toxics have some frickin power over me that makes me do stupid things and feel bad about me.
In addition to losing the weight, I want to grow stronger in this area. At this age,I should know better? Is it about will power and self control like any other addiction? because I do ENJOY my toxics. Is it about putting me first? Well, I will pick myself up, TRY TO LEARN from it, appreciate the good in my life and then resolve my toxin issues.
On that note, I am going to go to gym today and swim out my "blues". I do love swimming, even if a bathing suit is involved. I will fill out that form about why I love me..which couldn't come at a better time as I feel pretty low today. Thanks for listening.
The "I LOVE ME" List
1. What do you absolutely love about your body?Love? Well, I can't see it too often, but I know it's not bad, so I am going to go with my tush, my booty..my derrière. It's one area that never gives me trouble, has always stayed in shape and intact no matter how big I get.
2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?Well, I actually am pretty strong..a "bullvon" my dad calls me. RT says he wishes I wasn't so strong when I push him away with the straightarm..like how a QB runs with the ball. I can walk,hike ,ride and swim pretty far. I can't run and won't--unless chased.
3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be? well,probably on my wedding day..usually not a fan of being the center of attention..but with my rock by my side. I was invincible.
4. When did your self-control blow you away?Well, see that's the thing.I don't have an abundance of self control. I am one of those people who don't say no. I guess I have made good eating choices lately..and I have stood up to a few people lately.
5. What is your proudest moment ever?I have them all the time. I am proud of the incredible children that I am blessed with. I watch them succeed in school,life,music and gymnastics and am filled with so much pride I could burst. I am proud that I have raised them. I am proud of some of the organizations that I have worked with and the direction I have taken them. I am proud of RT for always being such an amazing person...
6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?It's been a long time. My brother got married 5 years ago..I was 20 lbs less than I am right now. I wore this hideous (at the time I liked it) long hot pink dress to the rehearsal dinner. I felt pretty and "thin". I got lots of compliments too...
7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals? Well, based on how hard I have worked , I don't. I have had bad eating habits and lifestyle habits for a long time. I am ready to change that. I want to live the rest of my life as a CONFIDENT, attractive person--for myself and for the kids. I don't want to be that person who always runs from the video camera, the camera and hates the way she looks in every picture. I don't want to be that person who takes so long to get dressed to leave the house..and when she finally does..there are piles of clothes that didn't look good on the floor. I don't always want to be the chubby one. I will be deserving of this..and if losing the weight gives me the extra confidence to tell the toxins to F*#K OFF and for my children to see that I am confident and respect myself..than sign me up..because that's what I need.
Oh dear..did I let my guard down today. Hope you all aren't too depressed after reading this. I will be upbeat again..tomorrow.
5 comments:
I love your list!! It was so great getting to "know" you better after reading what you posted.
In the last year I have worked really hard at getting rid of my "toxic relationships". It is the HARDEST by far thing I have done. I am a giver. I give and give and give and then just bottle up the fact that I am getting nothing in return. I still do it a bit here and there but for the most part I have finally rid myself of the people who were not in it with me but for them. Some took the news and we worked to not having the same relationship. Others took the news and I havent heard back from them sense. Its so hard to learn to stand up for ourselves. But man when you finally do it. What a FREEING feeling.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE! Its OK to put yourself first. It really is!!
Hope you have a SUPER day!
*huggles*
=0)
Hi Susie, what a wonderful list, you are such a good writer! And I need to look after myself too, I am also going to be vague, I totally get the being-vague thing, and - yes. I hear you about - that stuff. I hope you feel better soon and you know, it is totally OK for us to take care of ourselves.
It's not about being upbeat, it's about being real. This journey being a lifestyle thing, of course it will affect all aspects of our lives, like relationships. When we learn to be kinder and gentler with ourselves, we start drawing boundaries for other people too. They don't like it! Which is why lots of people will not really support your weight loss efforts and try to sabotage you. They want to be able to "abuse" you and they know that when you become more confident and "you" orientated, that will not be tolerated.
I too have a long and unillustrious history of toxic relationships. It comes from low self-esteem. But in the last few years that has changed and now I have fewer people in my life, but they have my back and our relationships are healthy. It's changed the way I look at myself.
Hope you enjoyed the swim! And I loved your answers!
Hang in there! I think we all face a time when we have to examine our relationships and put ourselves first!! Now's your time!
Enjoy your day!
your list is great!
sorry to hear that you are sad. and I really do hope you can grow stronger in that area as well. I know for me, thats one reason I didnt tell anyone about my blog. I wanted to keep it private and be completely honest..such as posting m yweight (something I had never done before in public) and knew I couldnt with people I knew reading it. Cheer up, you have already accomplished a lot!
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